The art of being single; An homage to all the single ladies out there.
As a single woman, I faced different obstacles at any age in life. Opinions of others grew from all the edges and try to convince me to follow a path, mostly their path, never thinking if it would be the right one for me. Because I just have to fulfil the tasks, I am given as a woman by birth. How dare I am not doing it at the right timing society commanded it to be.
It is still a huge stigma, especially for a woman who decides to stay single on purpose because she decided to find herself first.
It can be quite intense and sometimes it can happen, and I found myself stuck. In a mindset or behaviour or a place in life where I didn’t want to be. I started to accept things as they were and I know other women face the same as I did too.
The status of my life became often a topic in family gatherings, meetings with friends or on other occasions. Where did I get asked questions like, “Why are you not married? It is about time, don’t you think?” “You are not getting any younger.” “If you want kids you better hurry finding a husband.” The worst part of those questions is, that they are mostly asked by other women, you know the ones fulfilling their tasks already the duties you miserably failed. And they do not hesitate to remind you of that, sometimes even unknowingly.
Can we please stop asking a woman at any age such questions? It can be very triggering and painful because you don’t know what is going on inside of her life. You never walked in her shoes; you’ve never seen what she saw. You probably never experienced what she did. So please just because a certain path was the right for you, it does not need to be the right for her. Let’s be kind to each other and support one another. Especially as women we need to support each other more, not only face to face but more important behind each other’s back. We all have a story to tell, and we all have the right to share it or not, without any pressure.
I experienced those questions many times myself and let me tell you a few years ago after a breakup that left me devastated those questions would break me into pieces. Lost in self-doubt and feeling worthless. Because society taught us as little girls, we have to be nice to be worthy. Be the nice girl, because people will like you more. Look beautiful, so you find a man to get married to. If I am not a nice girl, I am not good enough. If I am not beautiful enough I do not fulfil a task I was asked to take care of?
I truly believe happiness can never be found on the outside or in others. It can only be discovered within you and then shared with one another. If I am not happy with myself, I can’t make someone else happy nor can anyone make me happy. There will always be something missing and that’s the love for myself. That’s when a big change happened inside of me the need to make myself a priority and work on myself first.
When I started to reflect on myself and stop listening to the questions I started to realize what has been missing in my life and inside of me. I discovered, that the colours of my soul, the sound in my steps and the sparkle in my eyes were missing. But where did I lose them? So I started to meditate, spending more time with myself, time alone in silence, I started to read and reflect like this I started my healing process.
As I was realising during my process, that I was fighting for the wrong things being lied to, hurt and disappointed. I completely forgot my value and my worth. Because there were so many occasions taking it away from me that I started to believe it. Don’t misunderstand me I still have moments when I listen to these voices in my head making me feel weak again, but now I have so much strength inside of me helping me to find my trackback again to tell this voice to get out of my way.
Let me share an example; Someone once sent me a video; the meaning to send it to me was out of encouragement to tell me where to focus on. Because the assumption in the room was, I have a wrong focus or too high expectations and that’s the answer to why I am still single. This person did not know my process nor my choice to be single and I was able to shut them off immediately.
The voiceover spoken by a man in the video was saying,” To all the women in their 20ies who are single listen to me because I am telling you how to become happy faster, lower (Here it comes.) your expectations, you are not a princess your father lied to you.” And so on, the video made it clear; As a woman, if you don’t have expectations you won’t be single. What if I don’t want it to be that easy? What if I want to have the right of expectations, such as men have them too?
I replied to this person with the following text; I am not in my twenties anymore, I do not lower my bar, been there done that, not approved by me. Yes, I am not a princess. I am a queen, and I know what I bring to the table even if I sit alone. To that, I received only one text back. “Checkmate”
This wasn’t a feminist attempt to make my point clear or any kind of making my point and showing my strength. I stood up for myself and I stopped a trial of behaviour towards me that I will no longer accept. Making fun of the status single in any way, and sharing it as “advice” is no longer tolerated.
During my process, I learned a lot and I became wiser on certain topics. And just like that, I started to change my perspective. I started fighting to let go and find myself and now I started the most beautiful and deepest relationship I ever have had in my life with myself. This process can be disturbing to other people as well. Out of nowhere, I was told that I am selfish and rude and that won’t make me worthy of any relationship. One thing I know for sure, others’ opinions will always be there but it is my choice not to listen to others’ opinions because simply I did not ask for them. In their eyes, I am ungrateful now because the questions that used to hurt me don’t bother me anymore. How unfair of me to grow out of their expectations because I focus on another vision of myself.
Healing from the past and finding yourself isn’t a process that’s easy nor only wonderful and calm. It hurts, and it throws you back right into the storm you thought you left behind long ago. You lose people along the way you never expected to lose, things you thought were important to you aren’t anymore but as a reward for the pain you learn again who you are and what you want and you start loving yourself from a whole new perspective.
Growth will always require us to leave something behind whether this is habits, beliefs, careers, mindsets or even people. This is why making space for grief and letting go of this process is so important. You will mourn some aspects of your former reality to make room for your higher self. Honestly, it is all worth it.
I am completely aware, that this journey will probably never end because self-improvement at any stage of life will always bring change and it always requires work that needs to be done. And I am willing to do it and stay on this path because what I have experienced so far how amazing that I wish I had come here earlier. But without the things that went wrong, I wouldn’t be who I am today, I wouldn’t have met the people I met, and I wouldn’t become who I am.
I am grateful for the lessons I learned to become the women I am today and the woman I will become. Taking the first step is always the hardest but also the most important, we only need to choose the direction wisely.
Here are 6 ways that helped me to improve my life while being single, and I am reminding myself daily to make them my habits:
- Change your perspective, get in touch with yourself.
- Learn to enjoy your own company.
- Work on your goals and create new goals on the way.
- Stop comparing yourself with others, what is meant to be will always happen.
- Invest in other relationships and connect with your Friends and Family.
- Focus on the positivity, being single is nothing negative.
To the lovely soul reading this, single or not, with kids or not, allow me to tell you; You are worthy and you are where you are meant to be right now. Believe in yourself, trust the divine timing and do not let others dictate what is right or wrong for you. Make your decisions, choose your direction, say yes when it feels right and says no when it does not.
I believe in you.
Disclaimer: This article is based on personal experience and may be triggering for people with similar experiences and life situations.